Papa

Hi friends!

Today, if I could choose someone to have a deep conversation with, it would be my father. A dialogue that goes beyond everyday topics, a kind of talk that reaches the heart, the kind that I’ve rarely, if ever, had with him.

I don’t really know why it’s always been so hard for me to speak about personal things with Papa. We can talk about daily matters easily, simple stories, politics, updates about life.

But when it comes to something deeper, something that involves my emotions, my thoughts, my truth… suddenly everything feels heavy. My heart tightens. My words shrink before they can leave my mouth.

If I could truly speak to him from the deepest part of me, I think I’d ask about the decisions he once made, the ones that shaped our lives.

I’d ask, “Papa, why did you make that choice back then? When you decided, did you not see me standing there, waiting to be seen?”

Did you love me, Papa? And if you did, why did so many of your actions make me question it?

Sometimes, late at night, these questions echo in my head. I wonder if Papa ever thought about my feelings. Did he ever wonder how I was doing in school? What my dreams were? How my friendships and little world looked like? Did he ever ask himself if I was truly okay living my 26 years in this world?

There’s a part of me that longs to pour all of this out, to finally break the wall that has quietly stood between us for so long. But I’ve held it in. Because deep down, I’m afraid. I’m afraid my emotions would turn into a storm he can no longer handle. I’m afraid of hurting him, especially now, when he’s older… and not in the best of health.

To be honest, despite everything, I love him. I always have. Life has its own way of shaping people, sometimes gently, sometimes painfully. And I’ve come to accept that my father, too, was shaped by his own past, his own wounds, his own silence.

Maybe one day, I’ll find the courage to sit across from him and let these words flow, not with anger, but with honesty and love. Not to blame, but to understand. Because even when love feels quiet and complicated, it’s still love.

May Allah always protect Papa, keep him safe, and bless his every step, aamiin..